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The Worst FFXIV Tinder Date

Tinder isn’t exactly a place one would think to find other FFXIV players. The horniest of players stay around the crystal at Limsa Lominsa hoping someone would walk up to them and start a perfectly normal roleplaying session that always devolves into erotic roleplay.

However, as I was half-heartedly swiping through Tinder with one hand and getting my party wiped with the other as a tank in the Aurum Vale, I noticed one with an interesting and very original bio:

“Have you tried the expanded Free Trial of the critically acclaimed MMORPG #FFXIV? You can play through the entirety of A Realm Reborn and the award-winning Heavensward expansion up to level 60 for FREE with no restrictions on playtime!”

I knew right then and there that they would be the one for me.

But this was Tinder.

This wasn’t your normal run-of-the-mill dating website where you try to connect through personal interests. This is a hookup app. I’m swiping with the sole intention of sharing carnal passions. Two animals in the sheets with nothing between us but our untanned skin from never going outside because of FFXIV and a mixture of hand sanitizer due to COVID and the lotion that has two uses.

I decided to go through it anyway. First things first, we had to make sure we both weren’t Lalafells. Fortunately, we played the taller races. Not because Lalafells are a meme, don’t get me wrong, but the type of people who play Lalafell are SO high maintenance. The type of people who would analyze everything and ask “Is everything okay? You haven’t texted me for 45 minutes and I’m worried about us,” when I can’t respond because I’m commuting to work.

We decided to meet up at a local bar. Not a dive bar that has random holes in walls that somehow always have a penis on the other side, the classy type of bar with servers that have bowties. A bar made the most sense: We could not only get ourselves drunk enough to seal the deal, but we could also say stupid stuff like “Haha, this drink is the color of Haurchefant’s hair,” without feeling judged.

The drinks went well, I paid the bill and they sent me their half on Cash App. Now, it was time to find a place to do our business. It was Tinder after all. We’re here to get our needs taken care of. If anything after that happens, it happens.

I brought them up to my apartment and they took a second to look around. I always keep my place clean and organized. The only thing out of place was cups full of water everywhere, and that’s only to scare off aliens.

We sat down and looked into each other’s eyes. We leaned close as I whispered my Wi-Fi password.

That’s when we both logged in.

I invited them to my party, and we decided to do roulettes together. I tried to queue for PvP, but they didn’t have that unlocked. That’s fine, how about normal raids?

They didn’t have that unlocked either. They never unlocked any of the 8-man raids.

What’s happening?

I decided to queue for expert roulette. We sat there awkwardly for about ten minutes. They told me their main was Scholar. I figured we would get a fast queue. I looked to see they were on Dragoon.

After a two DPS queue wait, we went into The Dead Ends.

That’s when I heard it: Spotify playing.

Their game was completely muted.

They told me it’s because they hate the music of Endwalker and Stormblood was their favorite expansion. I asked them who their favorite character was. They said Asahi, but they wouldn’t really now because they skip cutscenes.

I promptly excused myself, locked the door behind me, and called an Uber to take me home.

The date was over.

…but wait, that was my apartment.

The Release of Malcolm Bivens Means We’ll Never Get to Watch Scooby-Doo WrestleMania Mystery Together

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While everyone mourns the losses of more names from the black and gold era of NXT, one that is particularly surprising is Malcolm Bivens. Bivens, the most fun character we created in WWE 2K22 to virtually dethrone Roman Reigns and end his reign as champion, was a manager we thought would move to the main roster eventually and be the mouthpiece for talented heels.

Why Was Malcolm Bivens Released?

Malcolm Bivens and Xia Li
Malcolm Bivens and Xia Li

While it’s a shocker for many of us that Malcolm Bivens will no longer grace our screens as a manager for fledgling groups, he already had a foot out the door. Malcolm Bivens decided not to renew his contract and, instead, go out the way any man should: Simping Xia Li.

What About Scooby-Doo WrestleMania Mystery?

In one of the best #BussitChallenges to ever give us blue balls, Malcolm Bivens tells us that instead of watching (the now released) Dakota Kai gets down, we should watch Scooby-Doo WrestleMania Mystery together. Now, we may never know what watching the movie will be like with Malcolm Bivens. Imagine the commentary once John Cena comes on the screen. “Why is no one standing next to Scooby-Doo?” Malcolm Bivens would say. It’s an overused joke based on a meme based on his wrestling gimmick, but Malcolm Bivens would somehow make it funny.
 
And it’ll forever be an experience we may never get.

FFXIV Director Wants People to Be Nice To Each Other While Brutally Murdering Each Other Over Crystals

Final Fantasy XIV, the hit game that prides itself on being the lone wholesome MMORPG in a lineup that includes World of Warcraft and some dead-on-arrival titles, introduced a new PvP mode so competitive that it’s caused enough toxicity to land on the Yoshi-P’s radar. Let’s break down the statement unnecessarily because that’s just what people do.

“Repeatedly using the quick chat phrase ‘Nice Job!’ during a disadvantageous situation.”

Sometimes a situation seems bleak. You can’t go into a war thinking with the mindset that you’re going to lose. You just have to take the small victories, even in disastrous situations. Do you think the three-hundred Spartans at The Battle of Thermopylae didn’t tell each other “Nice Job!” as they were eventually surrounded?

“Setting off fireworks on top of a downed opponent.”

When a beached whale dies, it’s common to have the carcass detonated with explosives to prevent injury from a whale exploding by itself due to trapped gas. Why can’t we do the same with the flesh of the catgirls we down in PvP Yoshi-P?

“Using and repeating an emote on top of a downed opponent”

To the spoils go the victor, as they say. This isn’t chess. This isn’t plastic pieces being carefully moved across a board while we twirl our handlebar mustaches near our monocles. This is war. This is truck driver, Jim, and his cute UWU Xaela vs. femcel Kathrynnn with a Y and three N’s. We have so little. Let us triumph in our moment of pixelated victory.

“In any case, we will continue to make adjustments to PvP job balancing to bring even more exciting, passionate PvP content to you. Please continue to enjoy your matches while upholding the code of conduct.”

Basically: “We want this content to elicit passionate emotion, but only if it’s borderline toxic positivity.”

Tongue-in-cheek humor aside. It’s always great to be good to each other but to expect nothing but wholesome Disney fun is unrealistic. What do you think of Yoshi-P’s response to behavior during PvP?

Watching Dragonsong’s Reprise Racers Makes Me Feel So Inadequate at Final Fantasy XIV

We are facing Thordan once again in FFXIV, but this time: He is on steroids. After watching Game of Thrones and learning how to control dragons, he comes back with the hardest (currently) fight of the game: Dragonsong’s Reprise (Ultimate).

Of course, to even get to Dragonsong’s Reprise (Ultimate) you need to have finished Asphodelos: The Fourth Circle (Savage), and I cannot even get a tank in Duty Finder to move the dragon in Brayflox out of the poison puddles.
 
As of writing this, it does not look like the best groups in the game have taken it down yet.
I am currently watching to see if Thoughts Per Second can win the race. Of course, I am not particularly invested in any of the groups as I am not privy to the hardcore scene. The hardest content I have done since Endwalker was released was Hydaelyn Extreme.
Scrolling through Twitter and watching the hardcore progress makes me feel completely inadequate. This is normal animal behavior though. It is like an amateur artist watching an art stream of someone who can pump out an anime Mona Lisa in 4 hours or a button masher watching a fighting game tournament.
 
I am glad that the hardcore scene has something to keep them invested. I know between major content patches, the hardcore players of FFXIV feel left out. There’s always some kind of discourse surrounding them feeling like they are not important. I feel for them. It is like not being allowed to sit at the cool kid’s table all school year, but then the rest of the kids find out their father was an overnight crypto-billionaire and now everyone wants to be their friend.
 
The hardcore raiders of FFXIV make me want to be a better player. Of course, I am a controller player on the PC, so there is already a stigma against my people, so I’m made to think I’m limited in my ability, according to Twitter and Reddit.

Omori On the Nintendo Switch Means We will Be Depressed on Mobile

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Therapists everywhere are looking at houses they plan on buying with the influx of new clients they’ll get once Omori releases for the Nintendo Switch. When we did our playthroughs of Omori when it was released on Steam, we couldn’t even finish working on our guides because the game took us to places we thought only we went through.

Omori Pre Order Information

Omori definitely had us at the edge of our seats wondering at every step, what the heck we were even doing. The initial playthrough of Omori was nothing like we have ever seen before, and we have played Earthbound. Do you know that feeling of playing something for the first time and you think it is the next best thing since sliced bread? Well, that is how we were with Omori.

Omori Hero It is so strange We search all over the place

Sure, the gameplay was unique, and we enjoyed the cute graphics, but there was something about the themes of suicide, anxiety, and all mental anguish that slowly makes its way into the story that makes us worry about those picking it up for the Nintendo Switch.

Omori After all eating all the food everyone fell asleep except me

About a year ago we put out a post on our sister website, GameDom, about whether Omori was safe for kids. Spoiler alert: It is not. Even with the collective age of everyone involved in getting our Omori guides out there being three digits, we still had a hard time stomaching some of the graphic scenes and jump scares that Omori.

Of course, you could call us chickens. Worse than the one you beat up in Skyrim to draw the ire of villagers or the ones who would murder you in old Zelda games but call us what you like: Omori is going to get people to think twice.

If you haven’t played Omori on Steam and will go into the game completely blind, then let us warn you: It’s not for the faint of heart (or mind).

Chris Pratt’s Mario Movie Delay Gives Us More Time To Prog Dragonsong Ultimate

Never fear adventurers, we know the long-awaited Super Mario movie voiced by Chris Pratt was the only thing on our minds since it was announced, but now we have more time to focus on the Dragonsong Ultimate Raids coming in 6.11

“There are no ifs in history, yet man is wont to cast his mind towards the path not walked.” Thus spoke the wandering minstrel, and at his urging, you reflect upon bygone trials with newfound perspective. Your imagination stirred by the man’s masterfully woven verse, you dream of an alternate conclusion to the Dragonsong War…” This “Ultimate” level difficulty raid, known simply as “Dragonsong’s Reprise (Ultimate)” will pit the best players in the world against bosses that average players could not fathom (since we still struggle with The Final Steps of Faith in Duty Finder).

Fortunately, Miyamoto announced on the Nintendo of America Twitter account that the Super Mario Bros. film would be delayed until April 28th.

Final Fantasy XIV Fans Can Now Focus on The Dragonsong’s Reprise

Nintendo Chris Meledandri on Illumination’s Twitter account

After confirmation from Chris Meledandri on Illumination’s Twitter account, FFXIV players everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief knowing they can put 100% of their focus into The Dragonsong’s Reprise.

Ultimate Raids in Final Fantasy XIV are mostly geared for hardcore players. These players need to eat, sleep, and breathe raiding. There is no time to focus on menial worries, such as Chris Pratt’s Super Mario Bros. Film or job applications. We are all still recovering after the second Sonic Movie blew us away in theaters with how Idris Elba oozes testosterone, even as an Echidna.

Now that we can push this Super Mario Bros. movie into the deepest recesses of our memories along with what happened in our childhoods that made us this way, we can now focus on internally screaming when we see Hraesvelgr and Nidhogg burning our loins. Thanks, Shiva.

Disclaimer: Please recognize tongue-in-cheek humor.

3 FFXIV Characters Who Would Be Good at Fortnite

In an article that absolutely no one asked for, we are going to take a look at some non-playable characters from the hit MMORPG, Final Fantasy XIV, and see how good they would actually be at Fortnite. Fortnite, a game that everyone says they do not enjoy, but secretly play (like Nickelback), is playable on almost every system from the Nintendo Switch to the Blackberry (we are totally making this up). Who is to say it is not playable on a tomestone between saving the world for the hundredth time? Now, let us make up complete nonsense and speculate which FFXIV characters would be decent at Fortnite.

Magnai

FFXIV Magnai Good at Fortnite

Magnai fits the stereotype of a Fortnite player. He sits at home all day, is pissed off all the time, and cannot get a girlfriend. The type of player Magnai would be in Fortnite is the rager. He is the try-hard who blames everyone but himself for his shortcomings. Of course, the only thing keeping him from swimming in the depths of the Seven Hells are the small victories he accumulates in Fortnite and laughing at dance emotes from cash he is not spending on women.

Tataru

FFXIV Tataru Good at Fortnite

If you have not finished the Endwalker expansion, then you should skip this explanation about Tataru because we are going to mention something. Shoo.

Anyway, if you have finished the Endwalker expansion, then the only reason we are putting Tataru on this list is that we just KNOW she sowed the seeds of disbanding the Scions and setting up her criminal grand endeavor to afford Fortnite skins. Much like Magnai, she has a big empty area where she can yell at the microphone all she wants at 12-year-olds in the same way she crushed Alphinaud in Stormblood. 

G’raha Tia

FFXIV G’raha Tia Good at Fortnite

You do not create a city around a giant crystal and develop a formidable standing army to fight off light zombies while hoarding resources if you do not know how to build the Eiffel Tower while getting shot at. G’raha Tia might look like a soft fanboy, but he has proven himself to step up and be the hero he is always wanted to be when things get tough. We do not want the type of fury he can unleash when it is down to him and some kid whose mom is yelling at them to come down for dinner.

Who else from FFXIV would be decent in Fortnite that are not Loporrits?

The Unbearable Weight of Byregot’s Chest

Are they Gods or are they Primals? Right now, we do not care. We cannot get past the pectoral muscles on this mad lad. That is all we could focus on during the cutscene where they do the cliche fantasy thing of floating divinities. We get it, you have powers. So do we, we mixed salad at the edge of existence with Zenos. If we wanted to float, we could float, but you do not see us doing that.

FFXIV Byregot the God of art and architecture

Floating aside, we almost did not care about the other deities floating around with Byregot. We had a Ramuh spin-off, a God with a head where his ass would be, and Suzaku’s mother. However, we could not get over the fact that the main speaker among this group is a guy whose sole personality is “Ripped Bob the Builder.”

Byregot, the God of art and architecture carries around a hammer and can rightfully be proud of the fact that he is a beefy construction worker. His whole gimmick is having quads the size of Elon Musk’s Thanksgiving Turkey. The main thing we are focused on is his chest size.

Byregot is the antithesis of Vauthry

Byregot is the antithesis of Vauthry. Even when Vauthry underwent emergency liposuction to look like blonde Fabio, he could not hold a candle to Byregot, let alone motorboat him. Bryegot’s chest looks so rock-hard that if he were to chest bump Dwayne Johnson, Dwayne would get knocked out so hard he would do another movie with Kevin Hart.

Alas, holding an unbearable weight of massive pecs means a strict routine of protein rich Goobues, protein shakes, and bench-pressing Titan daily while using Levithan as a jump rope.

We are excited to find out if the people who bless our catgirls during wedding ceremonies are actually primals or if they’re truly deities who were too chicken-shit to show themselves when Hydaelyn was around.

Regardless, Byregot’s man boobs will always be in the back of our minds.

If Snoop Dogg Played Final Fantasy XIV, What Job Would He Play?

In a post that was 100% not inspired by taking an edible and staring out the window hoping to see an outdoor cat, we thought about what job Snoop Dogg would play if he started Final Fantasy XIV.

Snoop Dogg doing side quests

Snoop Dogg is no stranger to doing side quests. This man did what he wanted to do in life, so he is just doing whatever he wants to do. It is not what people want him to do, it really just is what he wants to do. He wakes up one day and decides to go to India to shoot a music video because he wanted to circulate in Bollywood.

Final Fantasy 14 battle with the virtual catgirls

Fortunately, for Snoop Dogg, Final Fantasy XIV offers that exact same freedom in a game filled with virtual catgirls. He can wake up one day and jam out with Bards in Limsa, then help British moon rabbits collect carrots the next. FFXIV is an open world where you can do anything you want as long as you do not post about it on Twitter for people to tell you that you’re wrong.

Going back to Snoop Dogg, let us unnecessarily analyze which jobs he would be interested in:

Bard

Final Fantasy 14 Bard Girl

Bard would make a lot of sense, right? He would level Archer by killing random stuff outside Gridania for hours on a muted stream until he got the Bard soul stone. After that, he would play his songs in Limsa while a line of virtual catgirls bounced around him with glowsticks.

Monk

Final Fantasy 14 Monk

We are only putting Monk here because we do not even think Yoshi-P knows the current Monk rotation. We tried watching a video guide explaining it, but it was just some guy pushing buttons hoping we would know what was going on. That guy and the five people in all FFXIV who know how to play Monk would welcome Snoop Dogg with open arms as he did no positionals and only pushed stuff when they flashed. What? That is how the average person plays Monk anyway, right?

Scholar

Final Fantasy 14 Scholar

Scholar would make the most sense for Snoop Dogg. When we started this post, we thought about adding Dark Knight, but we do not need Snoop Dogg to melt his brain with the Dark Knight story quests. But we are almost sure Snoop Dogg would skip cutscenes. Either he is a cutscene skipper or he would lean in really far into his camera to read the cutscenes on his Twitch Stream. Anyway, Scholar is a great choice for Snoop Dogg for lower levels because he could just push whatever and poor Eos would do the rest.

However, we do see him summoning and releasing the fairies as he is pushing buttons. We do not see him going too far into FFXIV, as he is known to rage quit games live on Streams. One wrong move in the new Cape Westwind mind send him over the edge.