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I Totally Forgot About the Island Sanctuary in Final Fantasy XIV

2021 was a rough year for all of us.

So was 2020.

Well, and 2019.

Actually, every year is a rough year when we feel happier in a virtual world than we do in a real one.

That is why, when Island Sanctuary was announced, we were all excited to drop our weapons and play Stardew Valley-like content in Final Fantasy XIV where Chocobos and Horses somehow exist together (Chocobos were based on horses, right?)

One hype fueled Endwalker release and a bit of content drought later, I am only just remembering that Island Sanctuary was supposed to be a thing.

Maybe I repressed it from the wave of sadness I have experienced these past couple of housing bidding cycles.

The announcement of the Letter from the Producer Live LXXI on July 1st, 2022, has some people suggesting (according to the roadmap) that there is going to be some mention of Island Sanctuary.

If Island Sanctuary is anything like Stardew Valley, or even Harvest Moon, there better be some romanceable NPCs.

Do not think we forgot about THIS:

Final Famtasy XIV Screenshot
Final Famtasy XIV Screenshot

Final Fantasy XIV Player Doesn’t Understand Why They Cannot Keep a Job

The day started unlike any other for one Final Fantasy XIV player on Balmung. Their alarm begrudgingly awoke them from their quality two hours of sleep after pulling an all-nighter on FFXIV despite knowing they worked early. In the twenty minutes they could have spent getting ready for work, they instead contemplated whether or not they needed a job.

Of course, they needed a job, fantasias are not free. Neither is the subscription to the critically acclaimed MMORPG Final Fantasy XIV. With an expanded free trial, which you can play through the entirety of A Realm Reborn and the award-winning Heavensward expansion up to level 60 for free with no restrictions on playtime.

Unfortunately, their story for calling out was met with questions. The FFXIV player forgot to keep track of how many fake family members they have killed off to call out. “How many uncles does this make now?” Their employer questioned them suspiciously over the phone.

“Uhhh…”

“You’re fired.”

Another job down the drain.

Another couple of weeks spent on Indeed applying for jobs, not getting any calls back, and blaming it on “the job market.”

What could the problem possibly be? The FFXIV player questioned.

No idea.

FFXIV Player Hasn’t Logged in Since Being Told to Touch Grass

Final Fantasy XIV players are not the toxically positive My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic bunch you would assume they were due to the overwhelming positivity on Twitter. Sometimes you have people in the community who legitimately have never touched grass. Those who have forsaken the silken smooth skin of a maiden or ripped chiseled abs of Chad.

The typical response to these players, the ones who always have something demeaning to say when you wipe once on day 1 patch content, is to tell them to “touch grass.”

None of them ever do… until recently.

One player (clearly a Dragoon), so irrationally angry and demeaning to a sprout tank who forgot to turn on their tank stance during the first pull, was told by the healer to “touch grass.”

That’s when the Dragoon fell silent.

The concept of touching grass, does it smell like a fresh-mowed lawn? Smell is the most robust sense of nostalgia. A flood of memories filled the Dragoon’s head. The smell of fresh-mowed grass as a child, running around the front yard while his parents argued inside. A child with boundless potential. A fresh slate that could be anyone they wanted to be, other than a complete failure whose emotions are tied to video games.

The Dragoon logged off immediately, wishing the party luck beforehand knowing they would have to go through an entire dungeon without a DPS that ended up getting filled immediately.

Since touching grass, and shedding off the layer of regret, the Dragoon has not logged in since.

Rumors are, that the Dragoon took the time away from feeling forced to always play FFXIV despite the director’s insistence on breaks, went back to school, found a respectable job, met a partner, and built a stable future. One where they could come back to FFXIV and not be a complete and utter doorknob.

You Have to Have a Very High IQ To Complain About FFXIV Housing

Didn’t get a house in FFXIV during the last bid cycle? You shouldn’t blame the FFXIV housing system. To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand FFXIV housing. The system is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of theoretical physics, most of the explanations for a bad housing system will go over a typical viewer’s head.

There’s also Yoshi-P’s nihilistic outlook, which is deftly woven into his characterization- his personal philosophy draws heavily from Narodnaya Volya literature, for instance. People who have FFXIV houses understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of his explanation for FFXIV housing, to realize that it’s not just truth- it says something deep about LIFE.

As a consequence, people who dislike the FFXIV housing system truly ARE idiots- of course, they wouldn’t appreciate, for instance, the humor in Yoshi-P’s existential catchphrase “Wubba Lubba Dub Dub,” which itself is a cryptic reference to Turgenev’s Russian epic Fathers and Sons. I’m smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as Naoki Yoshida’s genius wit unfolds itself on their television screens. What fools.. how I pity them.

And yes, by the way, I DO have a Yoshi-P tattoo. And no, you cannot see it. It’s for the ladies’ eyes only- and even then, they have to demonstrate that they’re within 5 IQ points of my own (preferably lower) beforehand. Nothin personnel kid

Playerbase Drops As Players Realize Phasmophobia Ghosts Aren’t Real

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Virtual reality has been trying to blur the lines between reality and gaming for years, and players have started catching on. In recent VR history, developers have realized that scare sells. It’s not like movies, television, or books where sex is the main driving force behind sales. Developers of virtual reality games know that people want to have their hearts stopped for a brief moment when something pops up in front of them.

Phasmophobia has capitalized on not only jump scares, but also on tension so tight you could cut it with the safety spoons they give us in the psych wards.

I mean, I don’t know what they use there.

Unfortunately for Phasmophobia’s developers, players are catching on that the ghosts in Phasmophobia aren’t real, and are leaving the game at an alarming rate.

“We just feel foolish,” One user Vlogs on their YouTube channel as they wear their virtual reality headset before walking directly into a house cactus, “I’ve put two good years of my life into Phasmophobia thinking I was a real-life paranormal investigator.”

Another user, who received a real-life injury from playing Phasmophobia is contemplating a lawsuit against the developers claiming they made a game that only had a handful of maps you play over and over felt so real that they somehow fell down the stairs of their grandmother’s apartment, not even wearing a virtual reality headset.

Developers responded by promising a new welcome screen to warn players that Phasmophobia is not real and to go outside once in a while to ensure they know the feel of real grass.

Cosplayer With Large Breasts Receives Backlash For Not Cosplaying Tifa

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Anyone can cosplay as anything they want. Unfortunately, the backlash for a new cosplayer isn’t about who they’re cosplaying, but who they aren’t cosplaying.

A new cosplayer, who happens to have large breasts, wants to do their own thing and cosplay as whoever they want. However, comments on their social media accounts have suggested that it’s a rite of passage to cosplay as Tifa.

“Everyone else does it,” One user replies to a post where they talk about wanting to follow their own path in cosplay.

“Have you ever seen a person with large breasts who DIDN’T cosplay as Tifa?” Another user responds.

Yoshinori Kitase, the director of the original Final Fantasy VII game, has privately admitted that Tifa was not part of the game’s original story.

ブリトー。 タコスタコス。 ブリトー。 タコス。 タコスタコス。

たくさんのお金をもらったからといって考えないでください、

タコス風味のキス、ハニーを差し上げます。”

Translation: “We needed a character that people would cosplay for decades as it’s really easy to do if you’re remotely attractive, own a white shirt, gloves, a wig, and a pair of honkey-tonk-badonky-donkers.”

The cosplayer has gone private, as they know the internet will eventually move onto something else to be outraged by because we have the attention span of a gnat.

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FFXIV Raid Leader Puts “Raid Leading” On Their Resume

Sometimes we need things to pad our resumes. If we’re playing FFXIV over ten hours a day, then we clearly don’t have much else going on. Unfortunately, FFXIV isn’t free. While the critically acclaimed MMORPG Final Fantasy XIV, with an expanded free trial which you can play through the entirety of A Realm Reborn and the award winning Heavensward expansion up to level 60 for free with no restrictions on playtime is free up to level 60, we need to start shelling out money to not only afford the game monthly but for changing our characters from big burly Roegadyn to smol dragon grills.

In the case of one raid leader, they needed to pick up a part-time job to afford the exuberant monthly subscription. Unfortunately for the raid leader, they couldn’t justify asking for an allowance at the ripe age of 29 from their parents, and pocketing change when they go to the store for milk and hoping their mother doesn’t ask for change back is no longer lucrative because of Apple Pay.

Because of how comfortable they became over the past decade with the NEET lifestyle, they don’t really have much to put on their resume other than their experience as a raid leader in FFXIV.

“Six years of experience with raid leading. Time management. Organizational skills. Passive-aggressive responses when a raid member needed a mental health day. High school GPA of 1.8. 2 semesters of random community college-level classes.”

After applying for jobs that they were woefully underqualified for, they finally sent their applications to fast food places for the memes only to get offers for assistant management positions. Not caring about an employee’s mental health?

You’re hired!

“It’s Easy To Get A PlayStation 5,” Says Twitter User Who Needed To Follow Twenty Twitter Accounts

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Some of the latest PlayStation 5 news has hit the gaming world. There are some exciting games and features for players who own a PlayStation 5.

Of course, whenever you look under a tweet about PlayStation 5 news, there is always an interaction between a Twitter user who can’t walk into a store and walk out with a PlayStation 5 and someone who bought one from a scalper.

Because of reasons the average person wouldn’t understand, so we won’t bother trying to explain it, we still can’t walk out of a Best Buy with a PS5 like they’re just sitting there on a shelf like the Xbox Series S is.

“Yeah, that all sounds nice, it would also be nice if we could get a PlayStation 5.” The interaction always starts like this.

“Lol, a PS5 is easy to get,” A user always replies to that statement who has done one of the three:

  • Pretended like they didn’t buy it from a scalper.
  • Pretended like they didn’t need to follow twenty Twitter accounts to blow their phone up when restocks happened.
  • Pretended like they didn’t use bots or paid for someone who has a bot to grab a PS5 for them.
  • Didn’t suck off their neighbor Harold and Kumar-style in exchange for a $5 discount for their PS5.

Well, the last one is the least likely, as no gamer would stoop that low for a video game system, right?

Experts Predict Rising Birth Rates During Next FFXIV Content Drought

Birth rates have steadily declined since Millennials came of age to actually poop out Lalafell-sized potatoes (babies come from the butt, right?). However, top NASA experts have predicted that birth rates will increase during the next FFXIV content drought.

The last content to drop was Dragonsong Reprise and everyone is already caught up in the post-Endwalker story. Now we’re all sitting around in Limsa waiting for someone to walk up to our characters and start a 45-minute erotic roleplay situation. With Roegadyn and Hrothgar walking around with massive Byregot the Builder-type pectoral muscles and catgirls played by 40-year-old Papa John’s managers named Dave, everyone is super horny with no outlet (according to NASA).

“They’re going to uninstall the FFXIV companion app and use the Plenty of Fish app to find an irl companion so they can have extremely underwhelming 45-second missionary position intercourse,” The NASA spokesman stated, “at least that’s all you really need to conceive a child, right?”

Naoki Yoshida, the director of FFXIV, wants players to play other games when they feel burned out, but redirecting them to another game won’t help declining birth rates. Taking a three-month break from FFXIV saves almost $50 in that timeframe.

“$50 in three months? That’s all you need to raise a child, right?” The “NASA spokesperson” speaks from a padded room.

UberEATS Driver Knows When They Are Delivering to A FFXIV Player’s House

For a group of people who claim to struggle with their monthly subscription fee, they seem to always have money for exuberant delivery fees and their weekly fantasias. One UberEATS driver who preferred to stay anonymous with they/them pronouns knows first-hand what it is like to deliver to houses they know are inhabited by FFXIV players.

Notice that we did not say “own.” Good luck owning a house in this economy. We no longer judge anyone who still lives with their aging parents who also do not have a long-term plan for when they are no longer around.

You would think we would talk about the body odor emanating from the house so badly that the lawn is filled with dead birds who took a whiff and immediately nose-dived into a window, on purpose.

However, that is not the case with identifying a FFXIV player. Because the critically acclaimed MMORPG Final Fantasy XIV has a free trial and includes the entirety of A Realm Reborn AND the award-winning Heavensward expansion up to level 60 with no restrictions on playtime, about 1 in every 3 houses on a block has at least one Eorzean residing in it.

“I know when I’m delivering to the house of a FFXIV player,” the UberEATS driver tells us, “They order the same thing over and over like it’s an extra irl daily, and don’t want their doorbell rung to remain socially isolated.”

“Honestly, they’re my favorite customers.”