The Worst FFXIV Tinder Date

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Tinder isn’t exactly a place one would think to find other FFXIV players. The horniest of players stay around the crystal at Limsa Lominsa hoping someone would walk up to them and start a perfectly normal roleplaying session that always devolves into erotic roleplay.

However, as I was half-heartedly swiping through Tinder with one hand and getting my party wiped with the other as a tank in the Aurum Vale, I noticed one with an interesting and very original bio:

“Have you tried the expanded Free Trial of the critically acclaimed MMORPG #FFXIV? You can play through the entirety of A Realm Reborn and the award-winning Heavensward expansion up to level 60 for FREE with no restrictions on playtime!”

I knew right then and there that they would be the one for me.

But this was Tinder.

This wasn’t your normal run-of-the-mill dating website where you try to connect through personal interests. This is a hookup app. I’m swiping with the sole intention of sharing carnal passions. Two animals in the sheets with nothing between us but our untanned skin from never going outside because of FFXIV and a mixture of hand sanitizer due to COVID and the lotion that has two uses.

I decided to go through it anyway. First things first, we had to make sure we both weren’t Lalafells. Fortunately, we played the taller races. Not because Lalafells are a meme, don’t get me wrong, but the type of people who play Lalafell are SO high maintenance. The type of people who would analyze everything and ask “Is everything okay? You haven’t texted me for 45 minutes and I’m worried about us,” when I can’t respond because I’m commuting to work.

We decided to meet up at a local bar. Not a dive bar that has random holes in walls that somehow always have a penis on the other side, the classy type of bar with servers that have bowties. A bar made the most sense: We could not only get ourselves drunk enough to seal the deal, but we could also say stupid stuff like “Haha, this drink is the color of Haurchefant’s hair,” without feeling judged.

The drinks went well, I paid the bill and they sent me their half on Cash App. Now, it was time to find a place to do our business. It was Tinder after all. We’re here to get our needs taken care of. If anything after that happens, it happens.

I brought them up to my apartment and they took a second to look around. I always keep my place clean and organized. The only thing out of place was cups full of water everywhere, and that’s only to scare off aliens.

We sat down and looked into each other’s eyes. We leaned close as I whispered my Wi-Fi password.

That’s when we both logged in.

I invited them to my party, and we decided to do roulettes together. I tried to queue for PvP, but they didn’t have that unlocked. That’s fine, how about normal raids?

They didn’t have that unlocked either. They never unlocked any of the 8-man raids.

What’s happening?

I decided to queue for expert roulette. We sat there awkwardly for about ten minutes. They told me their main was Scholar. I figured we would get a fast queue. I looked to see they were on Dragoon.

After a two DPS queue wait, we went into The Dead Ends.

That’s when I heard it: Spotify playing.

Their game was completely muted.

They told me it’s because they hate the music of Endwalker and Stormblood was their favorite expansion. I asked them who their favorite character was. They said Asahi, but they wouldn’t really now because they skip cutscenes.

I promptly excused myself, locked the door behind me, and called an Uber to take me home.

The date was over.

…but wait, that was my apartment.

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