Birth rates have steadily declined since Millennials came of age to actually poop out Lalafell-sized potatoes (babies come from the butt, right?). However, top NASA experts have predicted that birth rates will increase during the next FFXIV content drought.
The last content to drop was Dragonsong Reprise and everyone is already caught up in the post-Endwalker story. Now we’re all sitting around in Limsa waiting for someone to walk up to our characters and start a 45-minute erotic roleplay situation. With Roegadyn and Hrothgar walking around with massive Byregot the Builder-type pectoral muscles and catgirls played by 40-year-old Papa John’s managers named Dave, everyone is super horny with no outlet (according to NASA).
“They’re going to uninstall the FFXIV companion app and use the Plenty of Fish app to find an irl companion so they can have extremely underwhelming 45-second missionary position intercourse,” The NASA spokesman stated, “at least that’s all you really need to conceive a child, right?”
Naoki Yoshida, the director of FFXIV, wants players to play other games when they feel burned out, but redirecting them to another game won’t help declining birth rates. Taking a three-month break from FFXIV saves almost $50 in that timeframe.
“$50 in three months? That’s all you need to raise a child, right?” The “NASA spokesperson” speaks from a padded room.