Experts Predict Rising Birth Rates During Next FFXIV Content Drought

Share This Post

Birth rates have steadily declined since Millennials came of age to actually poop out Lalafell-sized potatoes (babies come from the butt, right?). However, top NASA experts have predicted that birth rates will increase during the next FFXIV content drought.

The last content to drop was Dragonsong Reprise and everyone is already caught up in the post-Endwalker story. Now we’re all sitting around in Limsa waiting for someone to walk up to our characters and start a 45-minute erotic roleplay situation. With Roegadyn and Hrothgar walking around with massive Byregot the Builder-type pectoral muscles and catgirls played by 40-year-old Papa John’s managers named Dave, everyone is super horny with no outlet (according to NASA).

“They’re going to uninstall the FFXIV companion app and use the Plenty of Fish app to find an irl companion so they can have extremely underwhelming 45-second missionary position intercourse,” The NASA spokesman stated, “at least that’s all you really need to conceive a child, right?”

Naoki Yoshida, the director of FFXIV, wants players to play other games when they feel burned out, but redirecting them to another game won’t help declining birth rates. Taking a three-month break from FFXIV saves almost $50 in that timeframe.

“$50 in three months? That’s all you need to raise a child, right?” The “NASA spokesperson” speaks from a padded room.

Related Posts

I Totally Forgot About the Island Sanctuary in Final Fantasy XIV

2021 was a rough year for all of us. So...

Final Fantasy XIV Player Doesn’t Understand Why They Cannot Keep a Job

The day started unlike any other for one Final...

FFXIV Player Hasn’t Logged in Since Being Told to Touch Grass

Final Fantasy XIV players are not the toxically positive...

You Have to Have a Very High IQ To Complain About FFXIV Housing

Didn’t get a house in FFXIV during the last...

Playerbase Drops As Players Realize Phasmophobia Ghosts Aren’t Real

Virtual reality has been trying to blur the lines...

Cosplayer With Large Breasts Receives Backlash For Not Cosplaying Tifa

Anyone can cosplay as anything they want. Unfortunately, the...